I wrote an entire blog post before this one, and then I decided I didn't want to share it. Whoops. Instead, I wanna share my mini-psilocybin trip. I say 'mini' because I don't need to take much in order to take flight :)
SO - here I am starting OVER! You know what tho, starting things over is exciting because you get the opportunity to try something completely NEW (at least that's what I'm telling myself to further motivate me). For real tho. The fact that we have the freedom to start over is such relief........ however if you're at the beach and you leave your grilled mahi-mahi tacos unattended and a seagull sweeps in for the win, well then, there's not much you can do about that. Sorry bruh, you just gotta lean into this detour. It might seem hard to start over but you can still find it amusing, smile, get yo-self another taco and carry on with your day. THAT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO! <3
Live footage of seagulls on the prowl...
Starting over does take effort. Truth is, I sometimes get lazy and I would rather sip on some coffee, poppi or marjoram tea with honey and stare out the window for hours while watching life happen. Evidently, I like consuming liquids (don't worry I love water). Marjoram is really good for the hormones just an FYI and coffee is just great for the soul. Now coffee mixed with oat milk and honey is just out of this dimension. Disclaimer tho, don't buy "Oat-ly", that shit is shit and has so much shit in it. It was making me break out (and be careful if you like spending your money on lattes like me because STARBOOKERS uses it). On a lighter note, invest in "Malk" because they do their non dairy substitutes right without any chemicals (just the 3 beautiful ingredients such as water, oats and Himalayan salt), or just make your own (it's pretty freaking straight forward) which is what I'm going to commit to. I haven't done it yet, lol. I predict that I will very, very soon tho. Maybe.
POPPI! New discovery! Since I can't really drink kombucha unless you don't mind me uncontrollably farting, I've found a new love that goes by the name of POPPI! My gut loves it, so I love it - watermelon and orange flavor baby. And yes, Poppi is sitting on MGK <3
OKAY, TIME FOR MUSHROOMS! The real point of this "submission" is my recent cacao + breathwork + magic mushies ceremony that I attended. Actually, it was during my ceremony where I was thinking of my blog and why I was sitting on my previous submission (that I never shared) and it all became so clear to me. I decided not to share my last submission because I wasn't really speaking from my truth. It's not what I wanted to share out to the universe, it didn't feel right. Rather, jotting it down on digital paper helped me further get my thoughts and feels out - very cathartic. I do, however, feel like putting my mushie journey on digital paper to now be sent off into the digital universe. IDK man, it just feels right. You feel me?
Prior to the ceremony (ceremony was in the evening btw) I did all the Greta things IE, I worked out, walked all around the neighborhood, did hot yoga, ice bath and hung out with some friends. I was pretty freaking beat from the day so I didn't really want to attend, I just wanted to sit at home with my poppi and stare out the window. That's all. My ego creeped in tho and was like.... "you fine, you do breathwork all the time and play with psychedelic plants all the time, it's just a walk in the park." Thanks ego, you helped motivate me to show up, but I did not walk in a park. I walked through different realms until I found my way back onto earth. That's what happened. THIS WAS NO ORDINARY PARK Y'ALL. No idea why I fell for my ego, yet I'm glad I did because I showed up? IDK, ha.
I arrived to a residence in Venice and the ceremony was outside in the patio. TWAS A VIBE. There was a fire place and a big buddha (because obviously), surrounded by lots of plants and greenery, including lemon trees that looked like lime trees because they weren't ripe (explains my trust issues). The space was divine so I was able to settle in fast. Speaking of fast, let me fast forward to the point where I've taken my .5 grams of mushrooms and drank my cacao after setting our intentions and tapping into our space through meditation collectively as a group (there was a small group of us). I laid down on my yoga mat and so it began.....
We were being led through a guided grounding meditation during the beginning of this journey. At this time, the mushrooms were slowly starting to creep in. I could feel my body going through the initiation process and greeting this fungi, welcoming this medicine to get intertwined with my psyche. My eyes were closed and I started to visualize myself in a similar setting, but walking on grass in daylight. In this visualization, I was intrigued and interested in what was in front of me although I couldn't make out the picture in front of me. I kept creeping as I continued to walk what felt like was the sidelines, feeling the grass underneath my feet until I made it to a big fluffy, green bush. I found comfort and safety behind this bush as I continued to peek through it.... continuing to be intrigued by what was happening in front of me. It's like when kids want to see what's happening in front of them but they get all cute and shy and hide behind their parents. Same vibe, but that was me hiding behind my ego afraid to meet my feelings.
I've worked on myself these past years to allow myself to feel good. Sadly, my baseline use to be pain and sadness so that's where I've found my comfort for years, and so when goodness came around it didn't feel right. It didn't feel safe. I've reprogrammed myself to find familiarity in feeling all the goodness (all the goeeyyyyyyy love and good feels that we all deserve). The beauty of this visualization was that although I could still be a bit shy sometimes about this really good feeling, I'm fucking here for it. I might have creeped around it because my brain wanted to evaluate any threats and ensure safety around this goodness (just in case), but my higher consciousness stepped in and I allowed myself to feel what I wanted to feel, to feel what was right in front of me. It's why I couldn't make out the picture in front of me, but I was so intrigued because 1) it's not about the "picture" in front of me 2) this "picture" in front of me is not a story, it's me being present AND 3) the only way 'in' is surrendering and letting go of control (which I hate to admit that I HATE doing)... the "control" paints the picture of what it wants it to be like, the surrender just is.
Let me give you a good visual representation of my visualization...
I wasn't REALLYYY hiding :)
I allowed myself to really lean into this feeling and it felt SO RIGHT AND SO REAL AND SO ME! That's the thing about psychedelics, in my opinion, it just brings your subconscious to the surface so you can really work through anything you might need. You can't hide from it so yeah, sometimes it could be quite uncomfortable. It's PERFECT! At this point the active breathwork started, a 3 stage holotropic breathing. Through the mouth you first inhale to first fill up your belly space, second inhale to fill up your lung cavity as your ribs expand and on the exhale (still through the mouth), you release and let it all go. You do this for a period of time... anywhere from 20-45 minutes-ISH! It's quite amazing and allows you to feel like you are on a psychedelic journey without the consumption of psychedelics (WHAT A TRIP). So you can only imagine what this felt like.....
I was feeling so present, alive and connected with the universe throughout the active breathwork. With my eyes closed, I saw geometric shapes moving and flowing within my 3rd eye. I saw a lot of YELLOW, WHITE and the colors were ever-changing and flowing so freely as it kept transitioning to different hues like oil painting on a canvas. In conjunction with the shapes and colors, my entire being was immersed in this organic flow with the universe. Anytime I sensed any fear the sounds of the birds chirping, creatures doing their thing in this backyard habitat and the neighbors that were playing basketball helped keep me grounded (FYI I felt fear... it's not all roses and lilies, although at the same time IT IS as long as you allow ALL the feels to come through... even the 'not so pleasant' ones). At one point I was surrounded by my ancestors, there were so many of them all covered in tattoos from head to toe, smiling at me. In my mind I asked them, "so what am I suppose to do here?" And they just continued to look at me and smile. I suddenly realized I no longer wanted an answer to that question. I guess I don't really need to do much, but exist? I dig it.
I was straight chillin' during my casual trip. I sometimes want to grasp onto this good feeling with every ounce of my strength so it doesn't change. The thing is, we must make friends with change and love all of it. If we allow ourselves to simply drift from a state of feeling complete bliss and do so without resistance (to simply allow nature to run its course) then it will also helps us drift away from the bad feels too. I feel like that's the non-attachment. It's all one and connected. I bring this up because after being on cloud 9, the Breathwork ended and the facilitators continued the journey transitioning into playing the sound bowls. That's where my feelings started to shift and I walked through a graveyard within my own subconscious. Suddenly, it felt dark and sticky. Everything was moving slow motion and I started to stick to every feeling coming at me. It's like in Hercules when Hades gets tossed into the 'sea of souls' and all the souls start coming at him hard, leeching onto him entrapping his soul. I felt like I was going to be trapped in here forever (although Hades cracks me up, so it would have been somewhat entertaining), but my higher self kept telling me that the more I resist the more I'll believe that this is a forever thing which is where the paranoia and anxiety will start to take off. With that guidance, I continued to walk through the graveyard stopping at every grave (which served as a feeling, lesson or past memory for me), acknowledging what I was seeing and feeling, allowing it to leech onto me which gave away the power of control. This release of power is what I felt surrendering was because "this thing trying to leech onto me," completely disappeared and I didn't have fear about if it would come back - it honestly didn't concern me even if it did. It didn't mean anything, it just 'was'.
Shortly after I started to feel physically odd. I started bringing attention to my physical body as my brain did a full body scan wondering DAFAQ is going on. I felt as though I've lost all motor capability in my left arm and hand because it was completely numb. I couldn't move it. I thought of moving it, but still couldn't move it. I intended to move it, but still didn't move it so I was in oblivion. Soon the numbness transitioned into pain. The pain kept escalating to the point where it was becoming unbearable. The pain was so bad that, in that moment, I felt like movement was the only thing that would alleviate the discomfort. I brought in movement in my left arm to get the circulation moving. I started slow, but then quickly started shaking my hand (I was also stoked that I reconnected with my limbs). Once my brain got validation that my limbs were still in tact, the pain completely went away. The only thing left was the tingling sensation you feel after the numbness subsides. The message that came to me after this was a reminder to stop holding onto everything AKA controlling everything. That tension builds up and your nervous system stores all that shit. As a result, your body (being the brilliant being that it is) will manifest accordingly and in this situation I manifested pain. The minute I let it go (theme word.. SURRENDER), it all went away. Just as quickly as I manifested the pain, I let that shit go.
Imagine all the shit we hold onto throughout our lives and how the body might manifest to accommodate that. I believe our bodies are messengers and all we have to do is listen. Take a second to just listen. Our bodies are always communicating with us and we can speak the language! HOW AMAZING IS THAT! We are connected to this wonderful system within us that keeps us alive in every moment. I don't know about you but that's more than enough for me to be grateful about. DAMN, we are alive and that's absolutely incredible. You don't need a cacao, breathwork or mushy journey to feel like this nor do you need poppi or coffee to feel like this (although it helps and it's just fun), but you have this feeling within you at all times. We just need to access it, that's all (and you have that access). Most importantly, life is about having fun! Lets enjoy every single moment (painful or pleasurable). Fuck it.
The ceremony ended with lots of love and integration. And food obviously (I always go savage for food). It was a wonderful time with wonderful people. The thing is, we all want to feel good, and we all have fears that prevents us from feeling good. We're all trying to figure it out and we're all in it together. Let's surrender and see what happens! AND BOY, do I got a story for you from South Carolina about that, so stay tuned ;)