Breaking what?

I'm about to turn 31 (April 5th baby) and I’m not sure who is breaking who? Is it me breaking 30, or has 30 broke me? Once I hit 30, I stepped into this “IDGAF… I don’t give a fuck (breaking down the acronym because well, I can hardly keep up with them myself)” attitude. I stepped into this energy with ease, like gradually stepping into a fitted onesie keeping you snug. It felt freeing and it was sure as hell satisfying. I've felt like I've done enough work on myself, that by 30, I was ready to step into the arena like Maximus and face Commodus for the whole world to see. Commodus is metaphorically my fears and I was quite over them holding me back (Gladiator is the movie reference here, just an FYI).

I was thriving in spring and by the summer I started to “GAF”. The energy was starting to dissipate. I was tired, I was getting confused, and the crowd boo'ed me out of the arena. If it was the Roman times, I'd probably be dead. What the heck was going on? Lack of self-confidence, trust and loneliness was creeping back up in my life trying to teach me some more lessons. I started to feel like I was playing “Asteroids” during the good old Atari years. If anyone has an Atari, please hit me up and let us dodge some asteroids together. The asteroids are like triggers and our traumas are the spaceships. The more levels I got through, the more layers I passed through within my subconscious, the more asteroids I felt like I needed to dodge. The work is exhausting, anyone else? Yet, it's also exhilarating for a recovering anxiety addict like myself. Eventually, I feel like these asteroids disintegrate on their own and we let go of the addiction to this game. Or do we? And did the game need to exist in the first place? And why? I tried to give myself grace throughout this process, but occasionally like during a full moon or a menstrual cycle, it crept up on me and knocked me the fuck out. So, I was tired.

Quick detour. If you’re ever in Venice, Cali, stop by the “Cha Cha” café on Abbott Kinney. It’s a latte cafe (they are known for their matcha) and I happily paid 7+ dollars for something called a “Purple Drink” which is composed of CBD, lavender and your choice of milk (shout out to all the other oatmilk lovers out there, who'd be seriously offended with any other milk substitute). I’m feeling the vibe, the latte, and the humans I get to watch walk by on this café stoop I’ve planted myself on. It’s very Venice and it’s very sexy because it’s providing me the space to be vulnerable. This space and place has done better than any man I’ve come across as of late, so I’ll take it. Here's a view from my stoop.....Hey, Arnold and stoop kid where you at?

Lack of self-confidence. I can go in detail as to why, but that's for another blog post. I had this superpower to be whatever anyone wanted me to be - I wanted to please and ensure everyone felt safe. Obviously I can't do that, but my brain was terrified of what would happen if I didn't due to past traumas. I use to be a professional people pleaser (I consider myself retired, but sometimes I still fall in the game) because I never knew how to value my own needs and desires. I will admit I leaned heavily in external validation to feel a sense of approval or acceptance... I was searching for this very particular feeling that I couldn't quite grasp or explain. I didn't feel like I ever felt this feeling so I was trying to cope and use validation to fill that need. The validation never strung that chord though and like any other addiction, I kept chasing it thinking it'd provide me with the confidence I craved. It instead manifested into a lot of anxiety, in addition to social anxiety. I've dealt with these issues in the past, but no... it kept creeping in and out like the ocean waves with occasional rip tides. I noticed that the inner critic was starting to come at me hard tearing up my confidence. I was so aware seeing it all happen, but the mind fuck was so automatic. The only way I was able to diverge and jump back into self-love was to allow it to happen. To allow it run it's course without judgement, but with ease and love. Only then did it turn into self-love.

Another detour. I'm finishing this blog only hours before my Yage ceremony (Colombian form of Ayahuasca) this evening and I'm starting to trip out. Ha, trip out - get it? For real though, I went from excited to now feeling weird and I think it's because I'm scared shitless. Honestly, it just feels good to jot that down on internet paper. That's all. I mean, most people would go to a spa or attend some other festivities for their birthday celebration. Leave it to me to go on this soulful journey with a puke bucket in hand (in case I puke my brains out this time). Does this make you want to be friends with me? More importantly, it's making me nostalgic of my trip to Peru back in November, where I also sat with mother Ayahuasca, it was a dream so here's a little visual memory. How crazy beautiful is this world that we live in?

Lack of trust and loneliness which I believe come as a pair. I didn’t develop a sense of trust in the universe, and I most definitely developed a sense of survival. My instincts were to survive, that's how I was wired. I had to survive so I was always resilient despite the self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors I've put myself through in order to cope. Throughout the years I've softened my heart - actually I've opened that shit up and tried to tame that animal like instinct in me, but it hasn't been easy. For the longest time I use to never allow myself to truly feel because I had to move on and survive so I'd find external factors to help me cope. This created stories in my life, stories that kept the loneliness alive. Years ago, I'd walk around preaching love with an open kind heart, but the truth was that I didn't trust the world or the people I'd come across. I felt like sooner or later I'd be betrayed, abandoned and left all alone due to also, past traumas like Cusco in the rain in The Emperors New groove. This kind of living will sure as hell make you feel lonely anticipating your next let down because you're quite actually making it your reality. I believe the world is a mirror and a projection of our inner world and because of that, I have a track record of attracting many events and humans that proved me right. My subconscious knew exactly what it was doing at that time (and sometimes it still forgets and leans into old conditioning). I'm still leaning in and exploring the trust as I continue my journey because it challenges me still. And loneliness, well, it's still a very difficult feeling for me to sit with, but I sit with it anyway. It's funny because sometimes we might not want to feel certain feelings so we cope, but to feel the feelings we don't want to feel actually feels much better than the feeling of "coping". The feeling of coping is just purgatory.

Guys, the human experience is strange and also so freaking amazing at the same time. So here I am, stepping out of 30. The story here is about progress and reflection. I started this blog at “Cha Cha” café with a heavy heart, continued it in my bed feeling great, continued another day on my tiny ass couch feeling hopeful (couch was an accidental purchase, hit me up if you want more inquiries) and now I'm finally wrapping it up on my small couch again where I'm feeling scared (pre-yage/ayahuasca vibes). Who knows what I will feel next? Does it really matter and do we put too much emphasis on these "feelings" when all we need to do is just let it be, whatever that is? It's all an adventure and I feel like we should love it all. To me, it's not about the arena anymore... I don't feel the need to shout out "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED" to my inner critics (also Gladiator quote). I don't feel like I'll end up in the forest alone, moping in the rain because Yzma turned me into a llama. And, I don't feel like I need to figure this all out or do much of anything that will deter me from living. I just want to live now. So, if you're down to lounge in the grass with a bowl of fruit, nuts and seeds and want to chat life while the sun goes down let's kick it. Let's live this life together, because it's more fun than doing it alone.

xoxo

Greta Ruljevaite